As mentioned in my last blog ‘Heroes – Part 2 – Females’, I’d only intended this series to be written over two parts. But how could I not write about the most important hero in all of our lives – us?

So often, an element of a clients’ clinic presentation is tied up with self worth. Whether it’s a phobia of being sick (emetophobia) rooted in a fear of embarrassment and concern about what other people think. Or an inflammatory pain syndrome such as fibromyalgia, that improves after a client is able to release years of emotional abuse and unhappiness from an ex marriage, where self worth was questioned on a daily basis. These are just two examples of many.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines self worth as “a favourable estimate or opinion of oneself. It is the internal sense of valuing one’s life, character and achievements, and believing that one is intrinsically good and useful”

Often, when out socially and asked about my career, someone usually rolls their eyes and says “oh, I suppose you are going to tell us that all of our problems go back to childhood?” And my reply – “yep – actually in my 32 years of experience, that absolutely does appear to be the case”.

Psychology highlights the first seven years of life as a key stage in emotional development, as the brain rapidly builds neural pathways during this period. Clients in clinic demonstrate that many negative emotional patterns are already established by age seven, and almost certainly by age twelve.

Later adolescent and adult life experiences will often press and ‘poke’ on old original wounds. Often, those wounds are based upon low self worth. As children, painful situations such as leaving a parent to start school, parents divorce, moving home/school, friendships, schooling, family dynamics and generally ‘finding our feet’ in the world – can cause us to install limiting beliefs such as: it’s my fault, I’m unloveable, I’m difficult, I’m a problem, I’m a disappointment, I’m stupid, I’m different, I’m not as good as them, I can’t do it, I don’t matter and I’m not seen/heard etc etc.

These labels and beliefs become the stories we tell ourselves, clouding our view of life.

As we grow and develop, its up to each of us individually to build resources and resilience that shapes positive self worth. We so often rely on others to validate the people we are; a great strategy perhaps when our relationships with people are healthy in our lives. Not so good when a marriage is in turmoil and hurtful comments are thrown about, or when there is rejection from a company through redundancy, or when a parent does not agree with our point of view.

“People can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves” – Mel Robbins, The Let Them Theory.

If the people in our lives have not done the work to heal their wounds or grow emotionally, they may be unable to meet us at the level we need in order to feel safe, valued, and good enough. It’s actually unfair of us to ask. It has to come back to US. We have to champion ourselves.We have to acknowledge and recognise our own amazingness; be our own heroes and stop asking others to do it for us.

I find it naturally easy to genuinely compliment other people – yet at times, find it so hard to compliment myself, especially around my appearance. I was at a family wedding this weekend. I bought my dress months ago and was determined to lose weight for the day – and I did. I’m 18lbs down! Lots of hard work around my diet, lots of early nights, almost no alcohol, turning down social events and consistent exercise.

You’d think given all that effort, that when I put on my dress, I was able to recognise my success? After all of the lovely compliments on the day around how fantastic I looked, how fabulous my dress was, how much slimmer I am; you’d think I was able to be nice to myself? Not quite – I was still able to find fault in the way I looked in the photographs. It feels shocking and embarrassing to admit and write about it here.

I know what my core wounds are and I know what painful experiences ‘poke’ at them. I’ve done lots of self therapy through my career and I’m a much better person for it. That said, I’m only human. I am still, at 55, work in progress. I still, at times, have to work hard to be nice to myself. I live and breathe this day in, day out at the clinic – I know more than anyone, this stuff is hard.

Other people will inevitably poke at our wounds. Rejection and hurtful comments, life experiences across many different areas, will poke at our wounds. Yet, we hold the power over how we view life experiences and how we let them affect us. We are in charge of the language we use to talk to ourselves. The advice on how to do it is a whole blog in itself – but just recognising the need is the start. We are responsible for our own self worth and we must be nice to ourselves, champion ourselves and be our own heroes.

Wikipedia states that David Bowie’s “Heroes” is “an anthem of defiant hope and human connection in the face of despair” – a sentiment that feels incredibly fitting for this blog.

“We can be heroes just for one day”